Being Brave

Dear squeak,

We met the most amazing tummy mommy yesterday. We share a lot of the same values…spirituality and respect for all paths, family time as freedom from consumer culture, a love of food and wine and a vibrant, full-lived life. She blew us away with her candor, her love for the daughter she is carrying, and her willingness to connect with us.

This adoption journey sure is a crazy crazy ride, bug. Last night as we left the agency, your mommy Sadie said to me: you know, we might have just met our baby. Was that your tummy mommy, squeak? She is so awesome! Were you there, listening to us as we talked and laughed and grew quiet, feeling it out, waiting to see?

Yesterday morning I was so nervous before the meeting I couldn’t sit still. I paced so much I drove the Paw a little crazy. Then I sat and wrote, because writing is my mooring, my slip knot rope back to land and sanity. I wrote: “I am holding my breath. I have no intuition, no insight into what happens next…all I have is my nervousness, excitement and tender heart that hopes… and hopes… and hopes.”

I want to be brave. I want to hold my resilient heart out to this tummy mommy no matter what happens. Sometimes these little fears come like dark-winged birds and roost on my shoulders. It is scary to have so much hope. But I want to be brave.

Wherever you are, bug, I am being brave and waiting for you. My heart is full and my arms are open.

Even more love than ever before,

Mutti

The Sky is a Funny Shade of Orange

Dear bug,

I have been thinking about so much lately and hoping you are safe. A few nights ago, Mutti had a bad dream. I didn’t want to write about it, because I want my letters to you to be only full of good things. But sometimes nightmares do happen. In Mutti’s dream she was running and running to try and find you, but she kept getting lost. You were calling and calling. *shiver* It was a scary dream.

Sometimes it feels like we are so far apart, we might never find our way to each other. Feeling discouraged when something is taking a super long time is normal though. Your Mutti is a regular person like everyone else. I want MY WAY! Right now I really really really REALLY want to meet you.

Guess what? Lately we’ve had lightning and thunderstorms! They are unusual for us here in Oregon. Mama loves them because they remind her of Kentucky.

Last night we sat in the living room and watched the sky turn a funny shade of not-quite-orange.

pdx photo by http://www.flickr.com/people/mathowie/

Outside the lightning flashed and the thunder boomed.

Mama laughed. Mutti jumped. Paw ran and hid where it was safe. Mama held Mutti’s hand for a while. When the thunder stopped, Paw came out and mommies snuggled.

When the world outside is scary, when nightmares come, when we feel discouraged, it is so good to have someone to snuggle with.

I don’t know WHY is taking so long for us to find each other, but I am right here, waiting.

I promise you comfort after nightmares, cuddles during storms, and cheering up when you feel discouraged.

Love always and always and always,
Mutti

Climbing Trees

Dear bug,

Lately it feels like you are almost on your way to us. It is springtime and the big dogwood tree in our front yard is almost done blooming.

Our Dogwood Tree

Cool grass on Mutti's toes

The grass underneath the tree is cool on my bare feet. I hope you’ll like it. I think we are going to have picnics under that tree. It has a nice low branch that is just perfect for climbing.

When I was a little girl there was a magnolia tree in my front yard that I loved to climb. I’ll see if I can get Oma to send us a picture.

I can’t wait for you to meet everyone. The world is such a big big place! It might seem a little overwhelming at first, but don’t worry, I’ve got you by the hand. We will be just fine.

Love always,
Mutti