Being Brave

Dear squeak,

We met the most amazing tummy mommy yesterday. We share a lot of the same values…spirituality and respect for all paths, family time as freedom from consumer culture, a love of food and wine and a vibrant, full-lived life. She blew us away with her candor, her love for the daughter she is carrying, and her willingness to connect with us.

This adoption journey sure is a crazy crazy ride, bug. Last night as we left the agency, your mommy Sadie said to me: you know, we might have just met our baby. Was that your tummy mommy, squeak? She is so awesome! Were you there, listening to us as we talked and laughed and grew quiet, feeling it out, waiting to see?

Yesterday morning I was so nervous before the meeting I couldn’t sit still. I paced so much I drove the Paw a little crazy. Then I sat and wrote, because writing is my mooring, my slip knot rope back to land and sanity. I wrote: “I am holding my breath. I have no intuition, no insight into what happens next…all I have is my nervousness, excitement and tender heart that hopes… and hopes… and hopes.”

I want to be brave. I want to hold my resilient heart out to this tummy mommy no matter what happens. Sometimes these little fears come like dark-winged birds and roost on my shoulders. It is scary to have so much hope. But I want to be brave.

Wherever you are, bug, I am being brave and waiting for you. My heart is full and my arms are open.

Even more love than ever before,

Mutti